Being Sifted

Sharing My Secret

2011-06-06T10:03:00.003-05:00

In 1982 I was 16 years old and thought I knew everything. I had a deceased father and my mother was caught up in her own struggles against sin. I was a recreational drug and alcohol user. Above all, I was in bondage to fear and insecurity in every area of my life. I used a boyfriend to escape the realities of my family. I thought I was mature enough to have sex as long as I prevented pregnancy. But ultimately I lost control and got pregnant in spite of my great wisdom.

There were many logical reasons that I chose to have an abortion. They were financial, emotional, and prideful reasons. I was afraid my high school and college education would be interrupted. I knew I could not raise and support a child. I was afraid everyone would think badly of me. I was old enough to have sex but too young to be a mother. I thought I had to have an abortion so that I could undo the mistake I made by getting pregnant.

And I kept denying the fact that I was even pregnant. I would not think of a baby being inside me. I refused to accept it, until I faced the doctor and he told me the test was positive and he could feel that my uterus was enlarged. I was told that 'it' was only tissue and that I could undo this whole confusing and fearful mess with a simple medical procedure. I accepted that lie because it was what I wanted to hear.

I recall very clearly most of the events of that day, even though I tried to forget for years. The man who molested me when I was a child took me to the clinic. He was the only one who assured me I was making the right choice. I wept uncontrollably from the time I walked into the clinic, so they separated me from the rest of the women there, so as not to upset them. I did not understand then that my soul was mourning because my brain would not accept the truth. Isolated in that room, I watched a video of a pretty young lady who had the same 'condition' as I. They depicted her as a carefree person who was ready to hop up on the table and have all her problems solved. She nearly bounced up afterwards and cheerfully went back to her life as though everything were ok. But the video did not portray the truth. It did not tell me of the wounds that were inflicted as my womb was opened to destroy the life that God created. Nor did it describe the horrible sound of the machine that removed the remains of his body from mine. There was no warning that I would immediately have a higher risk of miscarriages, breast cancer, infertility, anger, bitterness, depression, drug and/or alcohol abuse, and emotional deadening. The video did not prepare me for wondering what my son's life would have been every year on the anniversary of his death.

I was never better or even the same after the 'procedure'. I tried to pretend that I did not hate myself for it. I tried to contain the anger, but it burst out for many years afterwards. I took it out on my husband, children, other family, and friends. I wanted my life to be good, I tried to control everything and justify the great lengths that I had gone to that day to make my life good.

The day I had my abortion I was traumatized. The trauma had tentacles that affected decisions, behaviors, and many areas of my life. Although I did not recognize it at the time, I became frozen, locked into a pattern of trying to control everything and make my life what I wanted. I sought pleasure and safety in every person and place except God. I refused to submit to Him because I believed He was only an observer of my life but was not interested in who I was or what I was doing to myself. I did not believe that He was able and willing to protect me. I thought He was not directly involved in my life because He was busy with the perfect people. I thought He didn't care what I did. I thought He put me here to fend for myself.

Because I buried the horrors of that day I remained in captivity to the trauma. It was a losing battle, until I accepted Christ. When I spoke my vow and accepted Him as Lord and Savior, I felt that He technically had to forgive me because the Bible said so, but that He didn't really care about me anymore. The enemy of my soul still had me convinced that God did not love me as much as His other children, because of what I had done. I was convinced that I was not allowed to receive all the blessings He promised me in the Bible: peace, joy, wholeness, and healing.

My healing began when I talked to God about my abortion. He peeled away the layers of lies that I had accepted. I walked step-by-step through a healing process
that was written by the Holy Spirit, through another woman who knew exactly what I was feeling, because she had also had an abortion. Now that I no longer have the secret, the enemy can't use it as a weapon against me. Today I am FREE of the shame and self condemnation, because I accept that the Lord has completely and graciously forgiven me. He showed me that He was always there with me, and that He loved me even the day that I murdered Joshua. He knew that inside I was a wounded, terrified little girl. He showed me that His power to forgive is greater than anything my mind can comprehend. He gave His Son so that I could be forgiven for killing mine. How can I thank Him enough for that? His ability and desire to forgive me and love me is inexplicable.

Please do not think that my purpose is to portray myself as a tragically heroic woman who survived this horror. If I could take back that decision I would in a heartbeat. The only reason I can be joyful today is because of His mercy, grace, and forgiveness. I am determined to reach out to other women and share what God has done for me, because I know He loves them too. As long as abortion is legal, there will be wounded mothers out there who need to know that God still loves them. The enemy offers abortion as a solution to a worldly problem, but it does not solve anything. It causes an innocent baby to die a horrible death. It also injures the mother, father, grandparents, and everyone else in the family in some capacity. It is the desire of my heart that not another person on the planet Earth will ever have an abortion. I hope that sharing my story will inspire at least one person to defend the unborn and fight abortion, in Jesus' name!

Pages, Pictures, Words, and Ink

2010-09-13T10:58:00.001-05:00

Dear Father in Heaven,
In my mind, I see my life as a book that is still being written. Sometimes I turn the pages back and glance at the old days. I hardly recognize myself...page 44 is vastly different from page 21. How alone and unsatisfied I felt then. I was so worldly and selfish that it embarrasses me to think about it now. I tried to make my life what I wanted it to be. I tried to create myself. I don't see many pretty pictures there, so I flip. When I reach page 17 I see weakness, misery and emptiness. Then I turn back still further to page 10, when my life changed at the death of my earthly father. I remember the sadness of that loss.I realize that fear is on nearly every page, beginning at 4...woven into every story until page 33.
But I look closer at the pages and I really focus. I begin to see another layer of ink between the lines-slowly appearing in the empty spaces. It's Your handwriting, not mine. As I turn again from pages 1 through 44, I see that although I pushed your pencil many times, You still wrote what You wanted for me. The word Victory is clearly defined. You knit me, You named me. You never forsook me, You didn't glance away and let me fall off a cliff. You were actively working to bring me to You. You sifted me, You molded me. You loved me, You love me. I thank You for what You have already written for me that I haven't seen yet...it makes my heart quiver to think about the wonders ahead!!!

Healing (Shame 7)

2010-05-05T12:03:00.002-05:00

I stayed on a merry-go-round of sin and confusion and rebelliousness for many years afterward. I tried to control my life and get all the things I wanted, but without God's guidance I kept choosing the wrong things. I was empty all the time, but was too blind to see it. I came slowly around to God, but it took great patience and grace on His part.

He eventually sent me and my husband to a Biblical counselor, and my abortion was one of the first things God wanted to confront with me. "MM" (our counselor) loaned me a book entitled "Post-Abortion Trauma: Nine Steps to Recovery" by Jeanette Vought. As God spoke to me through this counseling and the book, I faced myself. I saw Michelle in God's eyes and recognized what my abortion had done to my son, myself, the father, and our families. I went through the steps, answered the hard questions about my actions and choice, and relived all the pain in order to heal. God carried me through all of it, because I asked Him to and I trusted Him. I acknowledged what I had done, confessed and repented and laid my sin at the foot of His Cross, and He forgave me. It was a healing process that took several weeks, and the enemy kept trying to drag me back into a pit of condemnation. I continued praying and talking to God about it, and trusting Him to heal me, but it was hard.

One night I had a vivid dream. It began as a beautiful extraordinary blue…like no other color I have ever seen. It was as though I was suspended inside of the blue as it swam before and around me like water. I felt peace, pleasure; happiness there in the blue as it moved and sparkled. Then I was pulled slowly away as a camera pulls back from a close up. The blue became smaller and I recognized it as an eye, then two. Then in slow motion the nose and mouth and face came into view. I saw a baby boy with the whitest blond hair that fell at his shoulders in little curls that lifted up. He had porcelain skin, and he was seated with his body turned away from me. The seat that held him was the enormous hand of my Heavenly Father. Joshua looked at me and smiled the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, then turned back to face God and play giggle games with Him. Joshua's right hand was raised and fisted playfully as he moved it and tried to catch something. I could feel delight between the two of them. The bubbling sound of his laughter finally erased the noise of the machine from my ears. I laughed with him and at him and I kept moving farther away but I didn't want to. I woke up, and my heart was full.

I will always thank God for that dream; the vision of my son in His hand. I know that in spite of me my son is thriving in Heaven. I thank God for His love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. He has given me a measure of joy that I cannot describe. I have been told that my joy is visible to people, but I don't know if they understand or even believe it is true. How can I not celebrate and worship and smile and laugh? I have been redeemed, saved, and forgiven for breaking every one of His Commandments, and He still loves me. His own Son willingly died for me, because He knew that if He did not I would spend eternity in torment. I am wretched and stained with sin and He has covered me in His Righteousness. I am not more special than anyone else; He just makes me feel that way with the gift of His love. I have hope and He has told me that I will worship Him forever, and He never lies to anyone. I cling to the truth of God as if my life depends on it, because it does.

Shame 6 (Wounding my Soul)

2010-05-05T11:04:00.004-05:00

We arrived at the clinic and I was surprised by its appearance. It was just an ordinary building, but there was an oppression that I felt there. I was not spiritually awake enough then to understand it. He signed me in and we sat for maybe 5 minutes. They asked PK if he wanted to pay extra to have me knocked out but it was too much money. He told me call him when I was done and he would pick me up, then left. I tried to keep my tears to myself, but they were too deep…I seemed to have no ability to control them. Undoubtedly I was making everyone uncomfortable, so they moved me to a room in the back where I was left alone to watch a video. The video was a pretty young lady who had a "condition". She checked into the clinic as though it was a hotel, laid on a table, then happily skipped away…free from the consequences of her choices.

As in the pregnancy clinic in Galveston, I moved from one room to another…lab, ultrasound, exam room, social worker. I was terrified, selfish, alone, desperate, and in despair. I wanted the fear to be gone, and I thought this was my only choice. Finally I was moved into the room where the procedure would be performed. As my soul mourned and I could not stop the tears, a counselor was brought in to calm me down. She held my hand and whispered soothing words to me so that I could not hear the other sounds in the room. But I heard everything anyway. The doctor assumed I was crying because I was afraid of the procedure, so he attempted to help me by explaining each step as he went. Comprehension came with every word from him…too late to stop it as my child was murdered in my womb, then removed. Above me on the ceiling was a picture of a kitten hanging from a limb by one paw…urging me to hang on. I focused on that picture and on the counselor's voice, and after an eternity it was finished and I was moved into a recovery area. I was relieved it was over, but something was different. I was finally able to stop the tears but my heart was sore, and I felt disgust for myself. I cannot pinpoint the moment, but it dawned on me that I had carried a son. I didn't know how I knew that, but it was a truth that resounded in me.

PK picked me up and began to make conversation with me as he drove, but I began to vomit. I could not get the hatred out of me. When I finally arrived at Cheri's, I was able to tell her enough. She and her family treated me like their own…I never felt more loved by them. I put on my mask and tried to pretend I was the girl on the video, not just that day but for many years afterward. I wanted to bury it and pretend it had never happened, but at the same time I wanted to justify my choice to myself.

What is clear to me now is that all of the things I hoped to prevent by having an abortion came to pass anyway. My family and close friends found out and were ashamed of me, and my future was forever changed. I did go on to college, but the wounds to my soul from that day stopped me from walking the path that I thought was ahead of me. The enemy of my soul tempted me to abortion with happiness, prosperity, and peace, and I accepted what he offered, but it was all a LIE. I didn't get anything he offered me.

Shame 5

2010-04-27T13:31:00.002-05:00

When I told my mother, she took it fairly well. When she got pregnant with me as an unwed mother, I think she felt rejected by some of her family. So she went above and beyond to show me love and acceptance at this time. I never really asked her what to do, I just presented the financial, educational, and marriage arguments and told her I had already made up my mind. She offered many times to figure out a way to make it work if I wanted to have the baby, but I refused to consider it. Once I told her what I wanted, she had to help me figure out how to get it done. I placed an unfair burden on her.

So we went to the clinic and the pregnancy test confirmed what I already knew. I remember the doctor said he could already feel that my uterus was growing. We passed from one room to another for paperwork, lab, exam, nurse, and social worker, as the stress mounted at every stop. In the last office we were denied financial aid as Mom made too much money. That caused her to explode and me to cry. What a mess I had created.

We went home in despair, and Mom told the stepfather, "LP". She called my father's mother and asked to borrow money, but was told no. Finally she called her own mother and stepfather, telling them all of what I had so desperately wanted to keep secret. I didn't talk to any of them myself, but the impression I got was that Grandma was horrified and Grandpa was completely supportive. Of all the people in my family, the only one who was willing to help me get what I wanted was the same man who molested me as a child. His view of the matter was exactly what I wanted to hear…no guilt; just an easy medical procedure and a few hundred dollars and I would get a "do-over".

The plan was for me to fly to Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday and get it done. I missed my BFF Cheri and needed her, and all I could think about was going home. I was still furious that Mom and "LP" had moved us 6 hours from our home in Ft Worth to Galveston the year before. I hated going to a new school and missed the friends I had grown up with. I just wanted to go home and escape the situation I was in. I fixed my heart on home and thought if I could only get there everything else would be ok.

The ride to the Houston airport that day was surreal. Mom was so tender with me and we talked about our lives and the world and growing up. I finally got up enough nerve to ask her the question that had stayed buried for the last few years. I asked her if "Daddy" was really my daddy, and she told me that he wasn't. He was killed a few years before in a work-related accident, so Mom had to hire a lawyer for top secret legal stuff that I was too young to be told about. One day I found a piece of paper that said he (OC) had given me his name although I was not his. In spite of the fact that I already knew deep in my heart, I was shocked by the confirmation. What I felt was betrayal, because in that moment I understood that my entire adult family had lied to me my whole life. I kept a brave face on until I got on the plane, then I cried quietly through the flight. My soul began to mourn in a way that I did not even understand.

As I got off the plane and entered the airport, I saw my grandpa immediately. He waved me to hurry and as we walked to the baggage claim he explained that he had already made an appointment and we were going straight to the clinic for the abortion. I was terrified…I tried to tell him I wanted to go to Cheri first, but he said I had to get it over with. I wanted to call her, but he said there was no time. I stopped arguing and cried as he drove.

Shame 4

2010-04-24T22:45:00.002-05:00

Being pregnant doesn't fit my plan. I have to finish high school. I am too young and my future is too bright. Everyone will think I am an idiot. All the people who think I am nobody will be right. I'm not ready to get married, and I can't take care of a baby by myself. I can't tell Mom or anyone, because I am ashamed. I knew what I was doing, and I thought I was too smart to get pregnant. I can't think about this today. I'm just gonna wait and see…maybe I'm not really pregnant…maybe I'll get my period…maybe I'll have a miscarriage…maybe no one else will ever have to know. I can't think about this right now anyway. I am afraid…this is my worst nightmare come true. This can't be happening.

This is the merry-go-round that I have spun on for about 6 weeks.

Finally I have accepted the fact that I am pregnant. Even though I have not had a pregnancy test, I know it is true. My body is doing strange things. I am terrified. Oh, my God, what am I going to do??? Why me? Isn't my life screwed up enough without THIS? If only I hadn't gotten pregnant. If only I could undo this. If this would just go away, no one would ever have to know my shame. I can't think about this today…it's too hard. What am I going to do? It's just one stupid mistake. This is going to ruin my life. I can't let this ruin my life.

OK, I have made up my mind. I can have an abortion and this fear and worry will all be gone. I won't have to tell anyone, and my life will not be wrecked. I can undo this…it's legal, and lots of women do it all the time. If it was wrong then no one would do it, right? It's ok if I do it because I am important, right? This is the only way I can have what I want. This is the only answer. This is the most logical thing to do. But isn't it a life?

Shame 3

2010-04-21T10:20:00.003-05:00

(Continued, age 16)

So my life plan is to go to college and become a choir teacher. I will find a perfect man one day and he will ask me to marry him. We will live happily ever after in prosperity. We will have perfect kids who will require no effort to raise. I am not going to get divorced like my mother and father, and I will never make any bad choices that hurt them or make them afraid. I will not let them be hurt, and they will never be dressed like a poor kid. No one will ridicule them and they will be popular in school. I am smart and I have it all figured out.

We live in an apartment complex on the Island. It has nasty carpet that too many feet have walked on before us, and roaches. My mother is an obsessive housekeeper, so the rest of the place is clean. We just stay off of the carpet and protect our food from the roaches. My sister and I share a tiny bedroom, and we fight about everything. Mom and step dad "LP" irritate me, so I try to avoid them. I am passing the time until adulthood. Every day I find something to look forward to, and if nothing exciting is planned, I will make something happen. I hang out with anyone who accepts me.

Once I met a guy (L) with blond hair, blue eyes, dark tan, and gorgeous smile. He is my age but he quit school, and works as a roofer. I think he is cool because he works and makes money and is close to being independent. He smokes and drinks and has a yellow Fender Stratocaster. He dreams of playing guitar with Stevie Ray Vaughn. His parents are older, and he lives with them, but they don't tell him what to do. They let me stay at their house a lot, so I don't have to see my family unless I want to. I don't see him as the man I will one day marry, but I love him in some way. I ride my bicycle back and forth from my house to his. We smoke dope a lot and eat, so I am afraid of getting fat. My friend from school usually gives me a couple of hits of speed in the mornings, so I can stay awake and skip meals. L and I are together for over a year before I get pregnant.

Shame 2

2010-04-20T11:16:00.002-05:00

I am 16 years old, and I live with my mother, sister, and stepfather. My mother is married to a man I detest. If I were to begin the list of reasons this story would take another turn, and I must stay on task. I am angry at my mother because I don’t trust the decisions she makes for me. I am angry at my sister because she is never pleasant and only finds delight in tormenting me. I am angry at my stepfather because he is a pervert. I am afraid.

The only place I find any form of happiness is in the choir room at school, or on the stage rehearsing with the drama students. Singing has always taken me away from my problems. For me, singing is a treasure that God gave me to survive this world.

As much as I love singing and music of any kind, it is not enough. I still search for acceptance, validation, protection, safety, love. I live in fear of so many things: rejection, ridicule, abandonment, death, pain, homelessness, starvation. I think I need to find the right man to provide for me and keep me safe from all my fears. I think I am not pretty enough, because no one ever asks me out.

I am not good enough to have all the things other girls my age have, like normal parents, a boyfriend, good clothes and shoes, etc. I can’t wait to become a legal adult, so I can go get all the things I am supposed to have. My mom can’t do it, so I will just have to take care of myself. Everyone tells me I have a bright future ahead of me. My bright future is going to make me rich and happy and I am gonna buy all the things I want and cannot have now. I am going to prove to everyone who does not care about me that I never really needed them and they never hurt me.

(To be continued…)

Shame 1

2010-04-20T11:15:00.002-05:00

Today I am beginning a series of posts about my 16 year old self. For the most part I am writing from my perspective at that time. Some of the things I used to think sound so selfish and bitter now, and I hope you will understand that is not who I am today. I have a long story to tell and God put it on me to share it. I really didn't want to, because I knew I would have to remember things that hurt. I love it and hate it when He pushes me out of my comfort zone. He knows that I need it, and I trust Him, so here I go. My wish would be that this ugly story would bless you somehow and change a life.

November 1982

How did I get here? As I ponder the timeline of my life, I wonder if there is a specific day I can label as the starting point of this torment. There are so many possibilities. Maybe it was the day I met him. Or the day I had sex with him. Is it the day my family moved to Galveston? Or the day my mother divorced my stepfather? Maybe it was the day she brought another man home. Or was it the day that my father died? It might have been a day when I was feeling rejected by my grandmother. Or any of the days we didn’t know where mom was and why we couldn’t see her. Or the day my sister and I moved in with my grandparents? Was it the day my mother divorced my dad? Did it begin when I was being molested? Or maybe it was the day I was born. It could have been the day God knit me in my mother’s womb. Was this written before I was physically manifested? Surely God knew what I would do long before I could form a thought.

Strangers but Sisters

2010-03-22T12:30:00.003-05:00

Last week I volunteered at the Winter Jam Concert in Tupelo. I ended up working the merchandise table for the fantastic group named Mikeschair, selling t-shirts, CDs, etc. It was pretty busy, and I saw lots of faces and talked to many people. It was a great deal of fun…especially meeting people who were there to listen to music that praises and celebrates the Lord! I really enjoy watching people, and this was a great place to do that. The building was mostly filled with youth groups from various churches, accompanied by their adult leaders. There were also families and singles and couples and people of every age.

Once I looked out and saw a pretty blond lady who was carrying a toddler. He was a sweet boy, but you could tell he was a little underwhelmed by this great musical event. His mama would pick him up and hug him and talk to him. Then she would put him down and let him run around the concession stand. You could see her patiently working to keep him happily occupied as well as safe.

I remembered when mine were that little and how tiring it was for me both physically and mentally, taking them out to places that bored them and trying to keep them content and quiet. When I caught her eye, I commented that I understood how exhausting being a mother is and that I felt for her. She smiled peacefully and said yes, but God had surely surprised and blessed them, and that she is going to be 40 her next birthday and she sure didn't know how much difference her age was going to factor in until she had this youngest baby. I said oh, yes, I have a 5 year old and didn't know how different it was gonna be at my age when we decided to adopt her (39 then), but that we had deliberately done it anyway…laughing at my feeble self, of course. It was very brief but warm, friendly, and encouraging…sharing what we had in common, blessings of young children when our energy levels are draining due to our ages. So she chased her son along as he continued to explore the BancorpSouth Arena.

A while later they came back, and she excitedly told me that both of her sons were adopted, too! She said that it was all God and they never expected to have sons, but He had blessed them unexpectedly. I was happily surprised to find that out, although I should have already noticed that she had that shine about her. You could see joy in her face and the awesome privilege that she felt having sons. She and her husband had been married 14 years and had never been blessed with children. Their diagnosis was "Unexplained Infertility", which sounds like an answer that the World would give, but which translates into "To Glorify God". So they accepted that God must have meant for their children to be the youth that they worked with at church, and put all their energy into them. One day they felt led to become Foster Parents, and immediately they were asked by DHS to take care of a newborn baby boy, just for a "few days". But God meant it to be forever, and they were allowed to adopt him. The story was beautiful and I love to hear people talk about the wonderful things God has done for them. We discussed where we each live and our families and all those getting-to-know-you details. I think their oldest son is around 5, and the youngest 18 months. We talked about the openness of our adoptions and how we have each explained to our kids how special they are. It was such a pleasant conversation with a genuinely nice person.

Very quickly it seemed that the show ended and it was time for us all to go to our homes. Her husband and their youth group joined them and they moved with the crowd toward the door. I was a little disappointed as I wanted to hear more from her, but I called out to her and her boys as they started to flow through the crowd, "Goodbye, I enjoyed meeting you and talking to you. I hope to see you again someday!" She answered "Goodbye, my friend…we will see each other again!" Then I realized she meant Heaven, and I pointed up and said "Oh, yeah! I will see you THERE!!" I got real happy then because I realized that I will get to hear all of her story one day. And just as we stood in the same room in Tupelo talking about the Glory of God, we will be standing together again, singing and shouting and praising Him. Can you imagine that??

I love the way God surprises us with those moments, and how deliberately He does everything. I love Him so much and I feel so honored that He knows who I am and loves me in spite of the screwed up mess that I can be. I hope you know that He loves you as much as He loves me.

TRUST

2010-03-08T12:24:00.002-06:00

We all know the beginning, right? Adam & Eve and the animals lived in a perfect world. In the Garden of Eden, God provided everything they needed. There was no sickness, disease, hatred, anger, sin, murder, adultery, malice, addiction, violence, earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, forest fires, or tsunamis. Everyone in the world trusted God for everything. They lived in a world that we all dream of.

God told Adam & Eve to rule and subdue, be fruitful and multiply. They were given freedom to eat and drink, with one exception. God knew their needs; they did not have to tell Him what they wanted. They knew Him intimately and trusted Him to provide for them.

God said not to eat from or even touch the tree in the middle of the Garden or they would surely die. They knew that God would not lie to them, and so they did not eat from it. But eventually Eve accepted the serpent's word over God's. The serpent disputed God's word and made Him sound like a liar. When Eve ate and shared with Adam, they did not immediately die, but for the first time they felt shame and fear, and attempted to deceive the Lord by placing blame on one another. They lived in toil, sweat, and sorrow and then they died. God is not a liar. How it must have hurt Him to know they surrendered trust to the enemy.

They broke TRUST with God that day, and everything He has done and allowed since is intended to bring man back to trusting Him. In order for us to be with Him in Heaven, we must wholly and perfectly trust Him. We have to trust the Word that He has given us. We must accept the gift of salvation he offered by sending Jesus to die for us. We have to endure trials in this lifetime that teach us to lean on Him to meet all of our needs. Even when our eyes don't see a reason to trust Him, we must have faith that He has already resolved all of our problems. Do you trust Him in spite of your lost job, broken marriage, sickness, depression, world-wide recession, or loss of a loved one? Many times these difficult events are allowed in order to draw us closer to our Creator. The enemy still lies to us and tries to make us think we should not trust God. Don't believe the lies he tells you. Eve probably did not know the generations that would suffer because of her choice. Likewise, we cannot know who will be impacted by ours.

Being Loved

2010-01-27T16:05:00.003-06:00

Many of us ladies are eagerly awaiting Valentine's Day. That is one day of the year that we have great expectations of love and romance from our fellows. We envision flowers, candy, Hallmark cards, jewelry, or perhaps a candlelit dinner for two. Some of us want to be whisked away in a limousine, horse drawn carriage, motorcycle, or even a hot air balloon. There are so many romantic pictures of love that we see on television, billboards, magazines and the movies. While all these things are appealing, not one of them is big enough to demonstrate true love. They are just worldly tokens. Now I am not saying that I would not appreciate receiving and all of them myself, but what I really desire above all is what my Father in Heaven wants to give me.

He tells us in His Word there are many things that He wants us to have, and His love is at the top of the list. He gave us the most precious gift of all time in Jesus, a physical manifestation of His love. We have knowledge that He loves us, but sometimes we get so caught up in everyday life that we let that slide to the back of our minds. Beth Moore wrote that His love for us is "perfect, divine, and lavish beyond your imagination and far beyond your soul's cavernous needs."¹ Have you ever thought about His love that way? Can you picture anyone on this earth loving you like that? His desire for us is that we maintain our relationship with Him and stay so intimately close to Him that we never lose our awareness of His love.

Don't wait until the calendar tells you it is "love day"! Get alone with your Father and ask Him to fill you to overflowing with His love. You may be overwhelmed by the depth of what He gives you, but you will not be disappointed. When we bask in His love, we will find it easier to love our neighbor as ourselves. If we look at everything through the lens of love, His light in us will shine brightly and He will be glorified!

What Will It Feel Like?

2009-12-16T12:56:00.003-06:00

What will it feel like when I get to Heaven and meet my earthly father? Will he hold me tight? Will he whisper words of love to me? Will I finally feel "normal"? It is hard to imagine what it must feel like to be held as a daughter by a father. I have been held as a woman by a man, which is clearly different. I imagine that it feels safe. I imagine that it feels like acceptance.
I think fathers are heroes who protect their daughters from people who try to hurt them. I think if I had one he would step in to rescue me, to keep me safe, even at his own peril. He would love me more than himself. He would give his life for me.
How many daughters have fathers that they take for granted? A Christian father must be one of the greatest treasures on this earth. How many times in my life have I yearned to be protected by a father? Countless. How many years did I waste searching for a substitute? Thank God for His forgiveness. He always understood. He never stopped loving me. I could never feel arms around me, or see His face full of love, but they were always there. He gave His life for me. He is a true hero.
Today I feel safe, and protected, and loved by my Father God. Although the enemy of my soul continues to try to take me back into fear and emptiness, I fight. Only with Jesus will I win those battles.
I had a vision this morning of my father/daughter reunion...it was beautiful. I see it, but I can't feel it yet. I guess I will just have to imagine until it is manifested.

Delicious

2009-11-10T08:51:00.003-06:00

As children we are taught that food and drink sustains our life. We learn that we must eat and drink or we will die. We get much enjoyment from our meals.

…man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deut 8:3

When we become Christians we hear that Jesus is the Bread of Life.

For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." John 6:33

We know that by His body we are saved, and will have eternal life. We must accept Him in order to live.

I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. John 6:51

But in reality we must do more than just accept Him. We must believe and let Him live in us. We must arm ourselves with the Word of God to fight our spiritual battles every day. We must let the Word live and breathe in us. We must go to the Word every day.

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35

So if I am to have eternal life, I should feed my soul with the Word of God. I may still have earthly food to keep my physical self healthy, but I must have spiritual food in order for my soul to live. As all this begins to sink into my spirit, I hear God say "You can eat 3 meals a day, but you can only read my Word once?" Ouch. Clearly I am finding too much joy in food of the earth if I can consume it 3 times as much as my Father's food. He painfully shows me how mixed up my priorities are.

I can give you a history of how I got here, but let's just say that my battle with food has been a long one. The Enemy uses everything in the world to deceive and distract us from our Lord. I have been deceived about the proper place of food in my life, but I am responsible because I accepted that deception. I heard what I wanted to hear, and the enemy is crafty enough to know that. I have not listened to God enough, and I have not armed myself with the Word as much as I should. Even though it is painful, the truth is good because it sets me free. I am grateful that I am set free from the burden that food has been in my life. Today I am yet again made new and whole, by the grace and mercy of my Father. Hallelujah to HIM!!!

___________________________________________________________________

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Dt 8:3

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Jn 6:33

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Jn 6:51

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Jn 6:35

Rejoice!

2009-09-21T09:41:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's been raining for about 2 weeks. There is mud everywhere. The humidity is making my hair frizzy and puffy. It's Monday again. My body hurts.
I could go on and on pointing out the negative things about today...but why? Does it help me or anyone? No, it only brings me and everyone around me down. I used to think people would think me wise if I pointed out things that I saw. Isn't that the dumbest thing? So dumb, but something that took me years to defeat. Satan convinced me of many lies in my life, and I was like a hamster on a wheel...always running but going nowhere.
I finally got off the wheel when I surrendered to Jesus. Thank you, Lord! Today I have life, light, and love from the Father above. His greatness is so astounding I cannot comprehend all of it. But even the small bits He has allowed me to know are amazing! He loves me unconditionally and NEVER lies to me. He ALWAYS provides for and protects me. He gives me air, water, food, and shelter every day without fail. He has blessed me with a husband and children; parents and grandchildren; friends and an amazing church family. The list of blessings could go on and on. So what right do I have to do anything but REJOICE in Him? Since He is for me, who can be against me? Shouldn't I smile and be joyful and shine His light everywhere I go? Who am I to complain about the rain or the mud or my frizzy hair? Thank you for forgiving me my ungratefulness, Father, and thank you for another new day!

Pick a side...

2009-06-10T10:51:00.002-05:00

When two people you love get a divorce, they force their anger at each other onto their family and friends. Why should I choose a side? If we TRULY love them both it can not be severed by divorce papers and custody fights. LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL BABY, OR IT'S NOT LOVE.
Pray that this child will not be used as a weapon against either parent. Let God's will be done, and none other.

Insignificant

2009-04-29T11:24:00.001-05:00

Number 2 is a beautiful, strong, independent woman. I met her in 1999, when she was a beautiful, strong, independent girl. I don't think she really wanted to like me then, but she did want to be respectful and honor her father, so she tried. She feels everything very deeply, but she does not allow everyone to see what she feels. She is careful who she opens herself up to, in order to protect herself from being hurt. Although I know that she cares about me, she does not really need me very much. I have always felt a little insignificant to her…sort of just there, but not necessary. She takes care of her son, works, and has a mother and 2 sisters who help her whenever she needs them. I am her stepmother, which is a very delicate balance at times. I cannot force myself on her as a mother, because she already has one. I want her to know that I am always here for her and that it's ok for her to come to me. I think we have always loved each other as family is supposed to, but it was a love of duty rather than feeling.

Over the years we have shared many milestones such as proms, graduations, birthdays, funerals, holidays, births, and weddings. I fell head over heels in love with her on one of those days: when she gave birth to her son, who is technically by blood not mine, but in the depths of my heart my first grandbaby. As I watched her suffer the pains of childbirth, a one-sided bonding happened. I forgot all the times she chose to do something I didn't agree with. I let go of my decisions of how she needed to live her life. I looked at her in that bed and saw a young woman becoming a mother and thought about all the new changes ahead of her. I saw myself in her then, and I realized that I had seen myself in her before when she made choices that I didn't like for her. I didn't want her to make the same mistakes that I had, and I got upset when I thought she had. All of those old feelings went away and I just loved her. I knew then that I was just supposed to keep on loving her and be ready in case she ever needs me. I never told her anything I went through that day. I knew that the words might not mean anything to her yet, and to say them might have even pushed her away, so I kept them to myself.

So yesterday when she came to my birthday party and gave me a card and a gift, I just hugged her and told her how much I appreciated it. Then when the party was over I took out the card and read it again and again, and I wept. I realized then that I have not been insignificant to her. The card said "You've made my world softer, my heart bigger, my life…well, I can't imagine what it would be without you. Thanks for loving me like a mother." Now I know that Hallmark printed those words, but SHE chose them for me out of all the birthday cards in that store. And I weep again, because now I know that at some time she began to feel me loving her. Maybe I can never do anything else that helps her, but if I love her that is enough.

The thing to know is that I didn't do any of this…God did. I'm just writing it down. He healed me and taught me to love in a new way…unconditionally. God came into that labor and delivery room with us that day and let me look at her with new eyes. His Greatness overwhelms me.

Today

2009-04-24T14:39:00.003-05:00

Today I am just feeling so blessed to know The Lord and to be forgiven. I am not now and will never be good enough for His love, but I sure do have it. It still stuns me. I am privileged to go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. There I have a wonderful church family, and together we unite and sing praises to Him and tell Him what we think about His AWESOMENESS. It is JOYFUL to be part of the Body of Christ and to share in the celebration of His love. Have you ever entered into relationship with Him that way? Worshiping Him in song is the highest high that I have ever felt, and I am sure that it's nothing compared to what we will feel when we get to Heaven. Imagine that.

Talk

2009-01-19T14:33:00.004-06:00

I love listening to Contemporary Christian music, especially worship songs. Sadly, the local station that played Contemporary Christian has reformatted to all talk. I had gradually stopped listening to that station over the last 3 years because nearly every time I turned on my radio, I only heard talk, talk, talk. Now, there is nothing wrong with talking…I have been known to do so myself at unbearable speeds. But when you do all that talking, when is there time for all the good music that lifts praises to The Lord? Yes, it is good to recognize sin and be armed against it in our own lives, but isn't it better for us to use our voices to praise and worship Him than to criticize other people who are caught up in the ignorance of their own sin? Which choice brings Him the most Glory? Gossip disguised as knowledge and wisdom, or uplifting words of His indefinable greatness?

God told me one day that when I allowed worldly music into my ears, I was wasting the time that He gave me. I had spent many hours a day listening to the world talk about love and sex and getting rich, when I should have been listening to music that magnified Him. Once under that conviction, I began to search radio stations for Godly music. I found a new radio home, and when I re-tuned my ears, I began to hear some of the most beautiful sounds! I supported my local station financially many times, because I wanted my children and grandchildren to be able to hear what I heard. Too often, teenagers assume that all Christian music is the same stuff that is in the church hymnals, but it's absolutely not.

Now I am disappointed that there is no local station to stand in that musical gap for our young people. I will do my part for my family with help from iTunes and affordable CDs at the Christian Bookstore, but what about all those people out there who will search for something new to fill a hole in their soul? When they search their radio, will they listen to the negative words about the homosexual agenda, politicians, or public schools? Or will they just go back to the world's music and hear about beer, baby mamas, and unfaithful boyfriends?

Happy

2009-01-16T10:19:00.003-06:00

I turned on the Today Show this morning, which I do maybe 3 times a year. I was immediately interested in the big story they were calling "Miracle on the Hudson", and how birds struck an US Airways plane and disabled it.

The pilot quickly determined they would not make it back to the airport, and he knew that to land in New York City would be dangerous to both the passengers and the people on land. His best option was to use the Hudson River as a runway. He announced a crash landing to the passengers and crew, and they were all told to tuck and brace for impact. The plane glided and landed atop the water and all the people on board exited onto the wings. Some went into lifeboats, and some into the frigid water. Many nearby boats approached and pulled them out of the water to safety. Coast Guard divers were there quickly to assist as well. Before he left the plane, the pilot walked up and down the sinking vessel searching for anyone who might have been left behind. He was being lauded by the reporters as a true hero. They spoke his name several times and praised his wisdom and experience as both a fighter pilot and then a commercial pilot for 29 years. He was called "brilliant" and "a hero". They interviewed passengers and witnesses and each had a different perspective to add to the victorious tale.

Now here comes the good part, when Matt Lauer asked passengers to tell how they responded and what they felt before they crashed. One man said he could hear prayers all throughout the plane. He began to pray as well. Another woman said she heard the prayers, and as she is a born again Christian, she joined in. I could see the peace of The Lord on her face. One couple was asked if they were thankful to the pilot, and she answered "AND GOD", smiling.

In those moments, the passengers did not know whether they would live or die, so many of them called to the Lord. They saw the water getting closer and they felt the plane drop and bounce and hit, and they cried out to God to save them. As a few did, others joined in. Because they put their trust in Him, He saved them from death. The pilot didn't save them, God did. The divers and boat captains didn't save them, Jesus did. As all of these thoughts came to me, I felt joy at the wonder of Him, and a few happy tears came. Number 7 was sitting between me and My Guy as we watched the videos of the sinking plane and she asked me why I was sad. I told her that I was not sad, but happy that God had saved all those people, and that He was getting Glory for it. She looked at the TV and said "but I can't see it". I told her that we can't see God and the work that He does, and that is what faith is. We have to have faith in our hearts. She said "Jesus in my heart an your heart an Daddy's heart." I said "Yes, baby, He is" and cried some more happy tears.

Despite what many in the press say, God Almighty is the True Hero. His name is God, Jesus, Jehovah, Truth, Mercy, Grace, Wonderful, Savior, and Father, to name a few. He heard His people cry out, and He fulfilled His promises by sending His Son to save us from a sinking vessel. He walks from one end to the other, searching for lost sheep, and rescues them. He pulls us out of the miry clay and takes us to green pastures. Let us all praise and worship and glorify Him! He makes me so happy.

An Answered Prayer

2009-01-01T17:11:00.003-06:00

When I was around the age of 4, I was molested by someone in my family. It was a recurring event, but fortunately it stopped when I was near the age of 6. The person who did it took care of me and my sister for a time. We were temporarily without our mother and father, and not old enough to go to school. He was what some would call in those years a "junk man". He collected broken down cars and sold the parts off of them at his junk yard. He was also an alcoholic. When he was sober, he was the nicest man you ever met. He usually began drinking around 11 in the morning, and was unpredictable the rest of the day.

Strange as it may sound, I have many happy memories of that time in my life. My sister and I explored the old cars in his junkyard and found great treasures. Underneath the seats and in the trunks there were things such as telephones, tape recorders, toys, hats, and jewelry…limitless fun for a 3 and 4 year old. We played racecar more times than you could count, and I always won. Often we went barefoot through the yard, tiptoeing around the broken glass and metal. When he had time, he took us to the movies or to get ice cream. He made up little songs for us and played games. I will never forget my favorite trips to McDonald's. In 1970 in California everything was different, even Mickey D's. They didn't have a drive through window yet, so Grandpa sat in the wrecker with my sister while I went in and got our food. I could barely see over the counter, but when I finally got someone to notice me I ordered hamburgers, fries, cokes, and paid the bill all by myself. We would eat in the truck and then head to our next destination. Usually we stood up in the seat, so we could see where we were going. I can't even remember a time we used seatbelts.

I finally told my best friend when I was in the 7^th grade. She kept it to herself for a long time, but finally insisted that I tell my mother. Not surprisingly, mom was furious and confronted my grandparents on the telephone immediately. That was the beginning of the end of my relationship with him. He denied it, and called me a myriad of hurtful names. I was not surprised that he lied. Even a child molester is capable of feeling shame. No one wants his shame broadcast to the world, and most would do anything to contain it.

Needless to say, the enemy of my soul used all of those things to distract me from God. There were years that I struggled to control my life and protect myself instead of letting Him do it. When I entered into my true relationship with God, my healing began. It would have been so much easier for me to continue to hate my Grandpa, but God's Word taught me that I had to forgive him, so I did. I laid my bitterness and hatred and anger at the foot of The Cross and walked away from it. I even wrote a letter of forgiveness and sent it to him.

Years later, I heard that his health was failing and he would not live much longer. I felt impressed to pray for his soul. It was easy to assume that he was "too far gone" and that it was too late to save him. At least the enemy wanted me to think that, but I prayed and asked in faith. My Heavenly Father is capable of ANYTHING. Now a few more years have gone by and his health is getting worse, and I have neither heard from him directly, nor have I seen him. I still love him, in Jesus' name. I don't want him to spend eternity in fire. I sorrow over what the enemy has done to his life, and the pain he once caused me and who knows how many other children.

As ugly as he has been in his 80+ years, God still loves him, and it is not His will that any man should perish. Somehow, some way, God got to my Grandpa's heart. I do not know how, when, where or why, but I know that I know that I know that I know. Last week when my mom was visiting for Christmas, I got a true gift from God; a treasure worth more than any gold, telephone, tape recorder, or toys! I got three facts about my Grandpa:

He told my mom that he regretted things he had done in his life, and wished he had not done them. (REMORSE/REPENTANCE)
He keeps a Bible on his desk at the junkyard, and refers to it frequently; sharing what he's read with other people. (ACCEPTANCE OF TRUTH)
When told he would not likely survive surgery last week, he answered that it was ok because he had made his peace with God. (RELATIONSHIP)

Isn't it beautiful? Only God can do that.

Four is 23!!!

2008-12-30T11:01:00.001-06:00

It's hard to believe that only 23 years ago I gave birth to her. I will never forget that day, when God brought a precious miracle into the world and allowed me to be her mother. I cannot begin to count the memories and blessings that she has brought me! She also taught me a whole lot about myself, and God used her to heal many of my old wounds. So, what else can I say about the one who is a Princess? She is a joyful young woman, who is called by God for a purpose. She is funny, smart, kind, and loving. I am excited about the story that He has written for her, and I can't wait to see where He takes her. Happy Birthday, Four. May God bless you exceedingly and abundantly beyond your wildest dreams.

Happy Birthday #3!

2008-10-30T10:07:00.005-05:00

I was joking one day that I am so old and forgetful that it's getting hard to keep the kids' names straight. Since we now have 7, I thought it was funny to call them by their birth-order numbers. (Yes, I am easily amused.) Now I am using their numbers on my blog, so as to protect their privacy.
Let me tell you about our precious daughter, 3. When I first met her in 1999, she was 14, and even then you could see the gift that God gave her for children. She was always the one who would play with the kids when we had family get-togethers. She has an immeasurable amount of patience and love for every child. Her smile can light up a room. She is smart and kind and fun-loving. She is also blessed to have found a wonderful husband, and together they have a baby mixed breed puppy named Pixie.
One day when I grow up, I hope I can be as much fun as 3 is. I love you, girl!

sift sift (ouch) shake sift (ouch) peace, rest, peace

2008-10-30T09:43:00.001-05:00

One day I felt the Lord reminding me that I am a work in progress. He told me that I MUST be sifted as wheat. I really wish He did not have to do that, because it hurts. If I had my way I would never let myself be hurt. But then again, before I surrendered to The Lord, I did have my own way and I always did stupid things that caused me to get hurt anyway.
So should I choose to let Him sift me and be hurt, or should I just go back to my own ways? Of course it is better to give in to His work in me! If I live for Him, somehow from my puny little self He will manage to get some Glory. He deserves as much Glory as He can sift out of me, because I am His, and He made me!
So this is where the title of my Blog came from. I hope to share with you a few of my sifting experiences, as My Father shapes me into the woman He designed me to be.

Fatherless? NOT!!!

2008-10-21T14:45:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a big day for me. I picked up the phone and called a man I have never met...my biological father.

I only know a few things about him: his name(*****)for privacy, what state he was from (NY), and that he was in the Naval Reserve in 1965 at my conception. My mother met him while he was on duty at Millington, TN. I was born April 28, 1966, so I guess I was conceived sometime in July 1965. Both my mother and grandmother told me he was "very handsome", but neither can remember any specific details about his appearance. I understand that, as my memories have already begun to fade at my age, too.
Mom says she called and told him I was coming, but by then he had returned to his home in NY. She mailed him my picture after I was born. He told Mom he would come see me the following summer. She never saw him again, but she had moved on by then herself.

Armed with these scraps of information, I occasionally searched for him. I wasn't sure what I would do if I found him, but I Googled anyway. I was surprised that there are so many people in the US with that name. My secret hope was that he would jump out of the computer and flag me down...that the needle in the haystack would stick me in the arm. Finally one day I found a web address with his name: http://www.****.com/. How about that??? Could it be so simple? There was a picture there, too. of a man with a smile that was similar to mine. THAT MUST BE HIM!!!!! OMG!!!

I showed his picture to my mother, sister, husband. It was fun, thinking this could be him. I saw he wore a wedding ring. I began to dream of brothers and more sisters. I wondered how wonderful it would be to have a father. I knew I did not need to do anything else until I asked God, so I waited. And waited. And waited. I finally asked Him about a month later. I told God I did not want to do anything out of His will, but that I REALLY wanted to contact this man and find out if he is my Father. I asked God to bless this, and let me know if He wanted me to walk away from this. I was secretly afraid He would tell me to leave it alone. But He didn't...He gave me the "go ahead".
The same day, after I got home, I wanted to pick up the phone and call him. I did pick up the phone, but I felt an overwhelming, all consuming fear and could not dial. I cannot describe the way that fear attacked me, but I know from the Word that fear does not come from God. I knew I should not let fear win, but it did that day.
Since I was calling this man at his business, I had to wait until Monday to try again. I determined to be armed against fear Monday, so Sunday I asked a few prayer warriors I know to help me out, and they did. Monday morning I finished my 1st round of waking up chores, fed Brooky her breakfast, and headed for the phone. I prayed and felt His Spirit moving as well as the accompanying prayers of my friends. Now, if you can't get boldness from that, something's really wrong!

Can you believe it? I actually fought the fear of rejection, picked up the phone, and asked a stranger if he might be my father. OK, to be truthful, I dialed the phone number once, got scared when I heard a lady's voice, and hung up.
I was thinking "stupid, stupid, stupid...don't let the fear take over..." I dialed again. This time when the lady answered I used my fake business/professional voice and asked "Is Mr. (*****) available?"
She said "I'll see...may I tell him who's calling?"
Wishing he would recognize my first name and answer the phone breathlessly asking
"Are you my long lost daughter that I have been searching for these 42 years?",
I gave her my name and waited for her to return. I just knew she would say "I'm sorry, but he is busy. May I take a message?". But she didn't.
Suddenly I heard a man's voice...the man who might be my father...the man who might not love me or even care that I was born.

And he said........ "Hello?"

With the fake business/professional voice on the outside, but the little girl voice dictating in my head the rest of the call went something like this:

"Mr. (*****) I'm calling on a personal matter, and I'm sorry to bother you first thing on a Monday morning, as I know you are busy. But I am looking for someone with your name, who was in the military reserve in 1965. I don't know how old you are, but could that be you?"
"No, that's not me" he said very kindly...(probably relieved that I had stopped talking long enough to breathe)
I apologized and stuttered some nonsense that I seem to have blocked, then laughed artificially. Realizing how dumb I sounded, I wanted to escape quickly but he asked "Why?"
I answered "Well, I was told that he is my biological father. Which explains why I am stumbling over my words and sounding so foolish"
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't help you", spoken so gently.
"Oh, it's OK. But I thank you for your time and I hope you have a wonderful day."
Click...phew. It was over.

So, why was yesterday such a big day for me? I didn't hear the answer that I so greatly wanted. I still do not know my earthly father. I still wonder if I have brothers or sisters out there somewhere. I still do not know anything about my heritage, my DNA, my roots.
Maybe I will never find him, but I will never be fatherless. I have the Greatest Father of all! My Father in Heaven loves me abundantly and excessively more than any person ever will. He provides everything that I need. He is ENOUGH for me. I will be satisfied with whatever He gives me, because He is worthy of my trust. He is Holy, True, Loving, Faithful, Kind, Merciful, Graceful, and more things than I can name. My brain is not big enough to comprehend Him and His Greatness. And best of all, HE will NEVER fail me. He will always be perfect.
He helped me yesterday to make the phone call. I asked Him to remove my fear, and He did. I asked Him to give me a voice, and He did. He comforted me in my disappointment. He reminded me of His love. He fathered me, as only He can.